I've been saying for awhile now that this is the greatest season of Idol ever, and now we're about to embark on a finale so magical that I couldn't not write about it. Here's how I've felt every other season at this point.
Season 1: Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini Had Justin Guarini won, I never would have watched the show again. I loved Kelly Clarkson intensely, and hated Justin Guarini with the fire of a thousand suns.
Season 2: Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken I thought Ruben was all right, but found Clay Aiken creepy and loathsome. He's grown on me a bit since, mostly because of his guest run on Scrubs, but at the time I was just like, "Um, I'll root for Ruben? I guess?"
Season 3: Fantasia Barrino and Diana DeGarmo Didn't really care.
Season 4: Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice Felt almost as intensely as in season 1 that Carrie should win over Bo, but my love for Carrie was not as strong as my love for Kelly.
Season 5: Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee I thought McPhee kind of sucked by the time we got to the finale, in that she was really inconsistent, but was rooting for her over Taylor Hicks. Honestly, if I hadn't had the blog, I probably would have stopped watching when Taylor won, such was my anger and disappointment.
Season 6: Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis Was only rooting for Jordin because I didn't want smarmy, lame Blake Lewis to win.
Season 7: David Cook and David Archuleta Hated David Cook. Found David Archuleta creepy and sad. Didn't really want either one of them to win.
Which brings us to now. No matter who wins, I will be completely, 100 percent delighted. I think they're both smart and talented and adorable, albeit it in completely different ways -- Chris is subtle, Adam's in your face. No matter who wins, I think they're both going to have long, successful careers.
You guys, this season might have gotten me invested enough in the show again to want to blog about it next year. Can you believe it? Oh, and Gokey? Suck it.
So, are the auditions over yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. Tonight was San Francisco, where the freakshow parade was hitting their tambourines pretty hard. In the opener, we are told that Idol has a huge boner for San Fran, because it produced Katharine McPhee, she of the tanking album, and William Hung, he of the ironic faux-success. So right away, I think it's going to be bad. And I'm not disappointed! Most upsetting is Ryan Seacrest, who forgot to do laundry and was forced to host the show in ratty jeans and the hoodie he wears while he watches Lifetime movies. Luckily, Kara washed all the clothes she wore when she was a stripper going by the name of Irina, and she graces us with a bedazzled shredded-sleeved number.
I'm going to get the people who were important enough to have their names displayed for Internet mocking/Hollywood week recognition but had no backstory out of the way first.
Not going to Hollywood:
Nick Reed: 17, Antelope, CA He had frightening hair and sounded like Charlie Brown's parents beatboxing. He also came after a "fashion" montage, which showcased people in line dressed like nutters and people auditioning wearing nothing even remotely interesting.
Jiayi Yu, 16, San Mateo, CA Sang "We Built This City" by Starship with the same amount of enthusiasm I exhibit while watching a football game.
James Smith, 27, Sacramento, CA, Ballroom Dancer He didn't sing long enough for me to decipher what the song was. He was also terrible. He should have held off and auditioned for "So You Think You Can Dance."
Going to Hollywood:
John Twiford, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Music Teacher He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder pretty well. He's also cute-ish, with hippie hair.
Allison Iraheta, 16, Los Angeles, CA She has shocking red hair and sang Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" quite well.
Raquel Houghton, 28, Los Angeles, CA, Waitress/Bartender She sang "Son Of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, and is pretty in a Manson girl sort of way.
Okay, now that we've got the filler out of the way, let's get to the contestants who actually got some air time.
Tatiana Del Toro, 23, San Juan, Puerto Rico Tatiana is a "full-time singer, musician, songwriter, writer, assistant director and film actor" who has no IMDB listing. She does have a MySpace music profile, though. When she's not vamping for the camera or laughing like a certified crazy person, she is annoying everyone she comes into contact with while wearing an animal print spandex mini-dress with a tutu stapled to the bottom of it. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, and it wasn't terrible. She's good TV, so she's going to Hollywood.
Dean-Anthony Bradford, 27, Pasadena, CA, "Entrepreneur" Those quotes are courtesy of the show, not mine. I'm skeptical about his age, because he looks about 45, and he's wearing the most ill-fitting plaid jacket ever to attempt to fit a man. Randy says he likes the jacket, sarcastically, but you know he kind of does, or at least he would if it had drum-major piping on it. Dean-Anthony started a special events production company, but it failed. He sings Simple Red's "Stars." Badly. He looks like he's having a seizure while he's singing. Simon razzes him about his hair color, which isn't actually particularly weird, and he makes a carpet/drapes joke which makes me want to vomit. When they tell him he's not going to Hollywood, he's pretty sure it was the coat that did him in, and not his crappy singing.
Jesus Valenzula, 29, North Highlands, CA, Fleet Manager Initially, Our Lord and Savior appears to have about 30 kids, but then they bring the kids in after his boring, forgettable performance and it appears he only has two. They're cute, Jesus 2 and Gabriel, so the judges send him to Hollywood even though he sucks and has zero charisma and rather aggressive eyebrows.
Dalton Powell, 18, Manteca, CA, Unemployed Rubik's Cube Master Ryan Seacrest tells this laid-back mumbly fellow that he might want to amp up the energy before going in or dip into the Seacrest coke stash. Dalton does neither, preferring to smoke a blunt and then sing Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" in falsetto. All of it. He is not going to Hollywood.
Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26, Oakland, CA, Aspiring Songwriter This chick brought two things with her -- original songs and anatomical diagrams of the human body. She can't pronounce larynx. Or trachea, but she apparently knows what both of them have to do with singing gospel songs. She sings "Make Sweet Love," an original song. It's terrible, of course, and she explains that it was because it "came from the wrong rectum." Paula tries to comfort her, and then walks off the stage in a huff, possibly giving everyone the finger. After they tell her she's not going to Hollywood, she interviews that she could have done better, but she let the judges "eractatate" her.
Annie Murdoch, 28, Novato, CA, Unemployed She sings "Summertime" by Sam Cooke. It's over the top and screamy. Simone compares her to a drunk, and she's not going to Hollywood.
Adam Lambert, 26, Hollywood, CA Adam was in "Wicked" and has David Cook hair. He sings Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it's good, but a bit theatrical and screamy. Still, he's adorable, even with the bad hair, so he's going to Hollywood. And in related news, no one on any reality show, ever, can compete with Sweet Suzie McNeil on "Rock Star: INXS" when it comes to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and if you don't believe me, I suggest you watch this video:
Kai Kalama, 26, San Clemente, CA. Musician Kai has a sick mom and he takes care of her when he's not out rocking. It's a sweet story, and he's cute in a rough-around-the-edges-will-be-hot-once-stylists-get-involved kind of way. He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters and it's good, and he's going to Hollywood.
And there you have it, folks. Hang in there -- the auditions will be over soon. that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.
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