Tuesday Idol Recap – Melissa is in Hell

Okay kids, this is gonna be down and dirty. My DVR crapped out day before yesterday so this is all gonna be on the fly – no rewindies. Plus, I’m in a shit mood, and I’ve got a raging headache.

Picture it: Omaha, Nebraska, the winter of 2008. Corntown, USA. Tens of thousands of hopefuls herd like cattle with their sites set on becoming the next American Idol. Why, oh why didn’t they put two and two together and realize that with the exception of a very precious few, they’d only end up on the “you suck” reels of the audition broadcast? Don’t these people WATCH American Idol? If you can’t sing, a cow costume isn’t going to confuse the judges into thinking that you can.

Chris Bernhsldjhtgswdkljkjhsd - I missed his last name because, well, I can’t rewind, and it sounded like maybe there were no vowels in it. Gets points for the most retarded handstand I’ve seen, maybe ever. He is but another blip on the total suck radar. According to Randy, he’s “the next Seacrest” which is code for “you’re a gaywad.”

Paula Abdul arrives on the show late because “her plane was delayed.” And by “her plane was delayed”, I mean “she was sleeping off last night’s goofballs.”

Rachael Wicker – She sounded better by miles and miles than most people auditioning this season so far. On to Hollywood, blondie. Congrats.

**Side note on Rachael Wicker: Who the CAPITOL F is Randy to talk about people who sing country “doing this half yodel thing”, when he actually ENCOURAGES the horrific “runs” that we’re assaulted with by contestants every season? Extra notes are extra notes, Randy. Call them what you want, but don’t penalize a decent singer for bending a note every once in a while when you endorse it in others.

Sara Whitaker – Bring on the Gothball retard with the tiny chiclet teeth and pancake makeup the color of typing paper. And make sure to add bad maniacal laughter to the equation. Oh, and make sure she sings some freakish show tune. Badly. Because that just fits.

Samantha Sidley – This chick came ALL THE WAY from Los Angeles to perform her karaoke version of “I don’t know why” and try to sound exactly like Norah Jones? Really? Too much disposable income. And the only thing they had to critique her on was “not enough showmanship”? With a horrible, breathy audition like that, how would anybody know if this chick has any range to her voice? Can she wail a ballad? Can she rock out? Does she have ANY range??? My money is on “she doesn’t.”

POINTLESS SHITTY BACKSTORY ALERT

Angelica Puente - Her dad “was strict and wants his kids to do the best because his life wasn’t the best.” So your dad wants you to do well? That IS strict! Yawn. Lots of pictures of a shirtless dad, tears, and another audition that sounded just like the rest… and included – what, Randy? Yodeling? Yet Randy said “yes”. Curious. Tearful yet anticlimactic phone call to shirtless dad followed.

David Cook – Blake Lewis wants his fauxhawk and argyle sweater back. Sang “Livin’ on a prayer” as a ballad. It was bizarre to say the very least. Good vocal though. And on to Hollywood he goes.

Johnny Escamilla – The Gold lamé jacket and Moe Howard haircut are you, honey. Oh, and Paula has “the hiccups”. For the same reason Hobos have the hiccups.

MONTAGE ALERT – Steeler’s Wheel: “Stuck in the Middle with you”

Just the typical “well, you’re gonna be on TV but it’s nothing to be proud of” montage. I especially loved the Renaissance garb-wearing, horn clad dork couple singing as a duet. They made me completely stabby.

Leo Marlowe – The last audition. I thought he was okay at best. At BEST. Simon, Randy and Paula nearly tripped over themselves to send him to Hollywood. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m not expecting to see him but once more.

Tomorrow night - Miami, Florida. It will be the largest number of auditions featuring songs by Gloria Estefan. Ever.