Recap: Salt Lake City Auditions

Last night's round of screeching tools and modestly-talented peeps took place in the land o' David Archuleta, otherwise known as Salt Lake City. There were lots of mentions of how nice and "aw shucks" the entire city is but not one polygamy joke or reference to creepy compound living. I feel cheated.

Randy Jackson totally didn't know what state he was in and then said some crap about a salted lake. I think. I don't know. As usual, I mostly tuned him out. Paula seemed a little too excited about the city's tie-in with High School Musical. I have no point of reference with that movie so I can't expand on that thought further. Kara didn't really say or do much. And some local girls went nuts over Simon, which restored my faith in the universe as it was completely rocked the previous night with the hero's welcome Randy got in Jacksonville. Note to self: Don't go to Jacksonville. Ever.

Here are the evening's notables:

David Osmond
Performed: "Something Within Me" by Take 6
The last name is not a coincidence. David is the son of Alan Osmond, the big-toothed older brother of Donnie. Oh wait... that just about describes all the Osmonds.

David did a good job. He seems like a nice fella. The judges agreed but not before Paula and Randy gave him some shit about the song he chose. Kara and Simon then chimed in with some more toothless criticism but, really, I think they were told to string him along to create the illusion that he wasn't a shoo-in because of his last name. Oh give me a break. Were they really going to pass up an Osmond and all those potential money shots of Donnie and Marie sitting in the audience cheering him on? Don't insult us.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Tara Mathews
Performed: "One Day I'll Fly Away" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Tara is a goth, by American Idol standards. Which means she scowls a lot and shops at Hot Topic. So cutting edge! Tara also claimed to have ESP. She said she knows when people are going to die. Oddly enough, she didn't foresee the gruesome murder of "One Day I'll Fly Away." Suspect skills there, Tara!

Also, Tara, sweetie, check your lipstick before standing before a panel of judges and millions of home viewers. It was all speckled and cakey-looking. If it was ordered chaos like Robert Smith's, I'd maybe forgive you. But that was a colossal cosmetic failure of Wet 'n' Wild proportions.

Naturally, all the judges thought she was a ridiculous waste of time. Tara sulked out and flipped off the camera while punctuating her obscene gesture with a flatly-delivered, "Word out. Word out." Is that some secret Utah goth lingo that I'm unaware of?

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood and, if I had my druthers, she'd hustle on over to Sephora to get some real lipstick.

Rich Kagel
Performed: ???
I have no idea what Rich attempted to sing. I was too transfixed by his crossed eyes and Cowardly Lion-meet-Vincent-from-Beauty and the Beast-like mane.

Verdict: Denied.

Chris Kirkham
This was the dude with the big pink bunny and the Simon face fan. I've decided that my policy toward such gimmicks is much like that of sporting events on broadcast TV. If some douche runs onto the field or causes a ruckus, the cameras deliberately do not show the perpetrator so as not to encourage copycats. I am hereby adopting the same approach. No further attention from me. Next!

Frankie Jordan
Performed: "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse
There are several contestants every season that I quickly earmark for relentless nitpicking and utter contempt should they make it through to the later rounds. Frankie is already on that list. Better pack a cup, Frankie.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Megan Corkrey
Performed: "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from Show Boat
Megan was given the back story video treatment, complete with, ew, Collective Soul bed music. When Ryan began his dramatic voice over, I braced myself for a tragic tale of horrific death and/or dismemberment. What cruel fate befell Megan, you ask? Um, she was just divorced. Don't get me wrong -- it sucks and I feel for Megan, I do. I just hate the show's need to create some juicy back story when there isn't one. Stop crying wolf, assholes. And stop inciting some weird sort of blood lust within me where I feel disappointed if there isn't some sort of freak construction accident or something.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Andrew Gibson
Performed: "Oh Let Me Fly" by... uh, I dunno
Andrew wasn't interesting enough for an entire paragraph so I'm going to rehash my live tweet: Andrew = Pimply Ray Romano. That's all you need to know.

Verdict: Nobody loved Raymond.

Austin Sisneros
Performed: "When I Look to the Sky" by Train and "It Takes a Village" by Raffi
Austin is the senior class president of what looks like a nerdier version of Rydell High. But instead of greased-up burnouts, it's a gang of sweater-clad, over-achieving geeks who lettered in debate and student government running the school.

Austin said he auditioned "to inspire people and to tell them it's okay to follow their dreams." Um, because there weren't thousands of people already turning out in cities across the country to do this for the past eight seasons? Thanks for blazing the trail, Austin!

Ugh, what a douche.

Despite selecting "the worst songs so far," according to Simon, Austin made it through. The judges thought he was charming and likable. I personally wanted to kick him square in the balls.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood and joining Frankie Jordan at the top of my shit list.

Taylor Vaifanua
Performed: "Joyful Joyful" by, um... a church choir near you
The only thing I really remember about this audition is that Taylor is 5'11" and she did a wee hula dance. Oh, and Kara saw Taylor practicing in the bathroom a few times so that meant that Taylor "really want[ed] it." And here I thought it just meant that Taylor and Kara were on the same pee-pee schedule.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Rose Fleck
Performed: "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King
At last! A heart-tugging back story and not some half-baked bullshit! Rose's father passed away when she was 13. Her mother died two years later in a car accident, which is truly awful. But now Rose lives with her best friend's family and they're one big, happy and supportive extended family. It warms my cold, dead heart, it does.

I can't say I loved her singing voice, but what she lacked in vocal power, she made up for with charm. The judges agreed and unanimously shipped her off to Hollywood.

Up next: New York City and San Juan and then that's it for auditions! Bring on the caterwauling, crying and catfights of Hollywood Week!