Jacksonville Audition Recap

"Idol" headed to Jacksonville, Florida to check out the local talent last night, and they -- as well as those of us suffering at home -- found it sorely lacking. In fact, it might have been the worst two days of auditions in "Idol" history. And to make matters even worse, it was boring. When the judges are the most entertaining part of the show, you might want to start looking into some new cities for next year.

In case you thought I was exaggerating about how bad Jacksonville sucks, here's all you need to know about this city -- they worship Randy Jackson. Like, they want to build a giant statue of him in the town square and take turns humping it. And even though he was sporting a florescent t-shirt decorated with palm trees, I bet they STILL love him. It has something to do with Journey or something. Now, I love Journey as much as the next gal. More, actually. I once developed a crush on a boy after having a heartfelt hour-long discussion of our shared love of Journey at a party. But the fact that Randy Jackson was in Journey is a small bit of trivia that I keep stored in the back of my brain next to the names of Britney Spears' children and Warrants' discography.

Let's get on to the suckage, shall we?

Joshua Ulloa, 22 years old, Beverly Hills, FL, tile layer
Joshua looks like Justin Guarini, and has an okay voice, but he's a GIANT douche, what with the sunglasses inside and the fake harmonica and the beat-boxing. He sings "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye and he's going to Hollywood, even though he should have been eliminated due to his abuse of both gimmicks and my delicate sensibilities.

Sharon Wilbur, 25 years old, Jacksonville, FL, non-profit administrator
Sharon has one of those little rat-dogs that I hate, Sasha, which she hands over to the judges while she sings "Superstar" by Karen Carpenter. She's pretty underwhelming, and because I'm so bored I can't stop staring at Kara DioGuardi's cleavage. She and Paula do that fake-making-out thing again, and one of her girls almost falls out. I have to say, I much prefer the innuendo between Simon and Ryan. It all feels very drunk-girls-at-a-frat-party to me. Sharon's going to Hollywood.

Dana Moreno, 24 years old, West Palm Beach, FL, college student
Dana's outfit is fascinating. She's wearing a red satin, off-the-shoulder mini-dress, possibly with exposed black bra straps, and a black fedora. She does unspeakable and tangibly uncomfortable things to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire."

Kaneswa Finnie, 16 years old, Jacksonville, FL, student
Poor Kaneswa. She seems like a sweet girl, but she can't sing, and her either tone deaf or cruel mother encourages her. She sings Anita Baker's "Caught Up in the Rapture" with a "pum pum pum" thrown in here and there that's vaguely reminiscent of the "Little Drummer Boy." the judges rightly call her mother in afterward to tell her how badly her daughter sucks.

Julissa Veloz, 19 years old, Orlando, FL, sales associate
Julissa wants to be the first Latina American Idol, and she's wearing a sash that says "candidate" for the Miss Florida Latina USA pageant. I'm guessing she didn't win, because then she'd have the "winner" sash, right? Anyway, she's wearing a tiara and a silver minidress, and of course we all expect her to be terrible. Then she opens her mouth and sings Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing," and she's pretty good. Not great, but pretty good. She's also a total dork with a strange laugh and I secretly love her and she's going to Hollywood. Paula has some sort of meltdown during the judging deliberation and walks off, and Julissa talks her down and convinces her to come back.

Darin Darnell, 28 years old, Houston, TX
Darin took a shitload of ecstasy before auditions, fell in love with a boy he met on line, lost said boy to the cruel politics of eliminations, started to come down and began crying about the hopelessness of it all, came to the realization that no one understands him, and no one ever WILL understand him, and than squeezed out the words to "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men while silently weeping, only to be sent home, where he vowed never to take drugs -- or try to sing in public -- again.

And… day two! Kara has found new and interesting ways to show off her cleavage this time with some sort of cutout and pulley system. We get it, Kara. You're young and hot and have BREASTS. Duly noted.

Naomi Sykes, 25 years old, Tampa, FL, food server
In what's possibly the strangest five minutes of "Idol," ever, Naomi sings "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton while her best friend sits on Randy's lap, Paula sits on Simon's lap, and Ryan bounces uncomfortably on Kara's lap. Naomi sounds worse than Eric Cartman did when he sang it on "South Park." Her friend is trying not to crack up the entire time, and Simon (and I) assumes she's kidding, but when he calls her on it, she loses her shit and CRIES. Everyone jumps up to hug her because she's clearly unstable. I also think her BFF secretly hates her.

Jasmine Murray, 16 years old, Starkville, MO, student
Jasmine is the youngest of six. She's pretty, and polished, and sings Fergie's verson of "Big Girls Don't Cry," and it's good, but boring, and she's going to Hollywood.

George Ramirez, 18 years old, Jacksonville, FL, college student
George has a giant hard-on for physics. He sings the dreariest version imaginable of "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves, and it's so bad that it crosses over into hilarious, and therefore, makes me feel like I actually AM walking on sunshine. And I bet that was his scientifically-orchestrated plan all along.

Anne Marie Boskovich, 22 years old, Nashville, TN, waitress
Anne Marie is completely starstruck over Kara. No really, I said Kara. K-A-R-A. I'm willing to forgive her for that, though, because she's the only legitimately awesome singer Jacksonville has to offer. Because the show is boring, Simon gives her some bullshit about how she needs to come back and audition as a different person instead of sending her straight to Hollywood. So she takes off her denim jacket, convinces a wandering makeup gypsy to slap some eyeliner on her, and comes back at the end of the show to sing "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. And she's still awesome, and she's going to Hollywood. Thanks for the show filler, Ann Marie!

T.K. Hash, 23 years old, Concord, NC, administrator
T.K. auditioned last season and didn't make it, so he's back with David Archuleta's version of "Imagine." It's good, and boring, and he's going to Hollywood.

Michael Perrelli, 18 years old, Orlando, FL, "musician"
Michael is a big whiny baby who gets weepy when he's told he can't audition with his guitar. Because he, like, sleeps with it and stuff. He sings mediocre song "Jumper" by mediocre band Third Eye Blind, and his rendition is slightly less than mediocre. Oh, and he's wearing a smiley face backpack that he mugged a 13-year-old Japanese girl for. Not going to Hollywood. Aside: Is Bret Michaels bringing back the bandanna? Because I am NOT down with that. Michael also throws a tantrum on the way out and totally disses his mom. He's a brat and a half.

Is it Hollywood week yet? Deep breath… almost here…