American Idol Premiere: 8th Verse, Same as the First

So remember how this season of American Idol was going to be NEW and DIFFERENT? Well, it's not. Sure, we have a new judge who may or may not want to make out with Paula Abdul, and we had a girl in a bikini audition for the show, but aside from that, it's all the same -- dumb, endless montages, ratty shirts on Simon, and Seacrest thinking girls are icky, especially ones in bikinis. Here's a rundown of all of last night's noted and notable performance, with first and last names so you can go and look everyone up on MySpace and Facebook, because I'm not doing that shit until we get to the Top 36.

Tuan Nguyen, 20
"The Way You Make Me Feel" (Michael Jackson)
This guy and his fro could have saved himself a lot of air time -- and a lot of embarrassment -- had he not decided to dance. Related: he may or may not be auditioning for the next season of So You Think You Can Dance. No Hollywood.

Emily Wynne-Hughes, 21
"Barracuda" (Heart)
She got pierced and tattooed and dyed her hair pink so she'd never had to work in an office, which I can get down with. Also, it takes balls to try to sing that song a capella. Going to Hollywood/

Randy Madden, 27
"Livin' on a Prayer" (Bon Jovi)
This guy looked just like Izzy Stradlin and cried like a little girl pretty much the whole time. And he also sucked. And I'm not surprised that Ryan Seacrest can't tell his G 'n' R alums apart, because he was too busy shakin' it to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time," back in those days, but he compared him to Axl Rose. No Hollywood.

JB Ahfua, 16
I found this guy mostly forgettable, except that it sounded like his song ended with the lyric "waking up inside of you," which is gross in a Dave Matthews "hike up your skirt a little more" way, and now I need to go take a shower. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Gurr, 17
"It Starts with Goodbye" (Carrie Underwood) then some song by Kara DioGuardi
He was nervous and barfy and sweaty and sounded like one of the Chipmunks having a seizure. No Hollywood.

X-Ray (Aundre Caraway)
He brought a guitar and never played it. Who is this guy -- Kip Winger? He sang some cactus song, and it was very noisy and jumpy. Randy loved it, because Randy is an idiot. No Hollywood.

Arianna Afsar, 16
"Put Your Records On" (Corinne Bailey Rae)
She hangs out with old people and encourages others to do the same. I thought she was sweet and cute, but nothing special. Going to Hollywood.

Elijah Scarlett, 22
"You're the First, the Last, My Everything" (Barry White)
Naturally he sang Barry White, as he has the deepest voice ever and that's all he could, theoretically, sing. Unfortunately, he couldn't even do that, and I'm a little sad we'll never get to hear him sing country. He reminded me of the "Let My People Go" guy from last season, and no, it's not because they're both black, you racists. No Hollywood.

Lea Marie Golde, 16
"Everytime We Touch" (Cascada)
This girls was wearing what looked like a pink felt cowboy hat, and she had a Trapper Keeper full of songs she'd written that she wanted to give to her favorite person in the world, Kara DioGuardi. She also couldn't sing. No Hollywood.

Stevie Wright, 16
"At Last" (Etta James)
She was low-key and a very good singer. Probably the best of the bunch. Plus, she was named after Stevie Knicks, which automatically makes her cool. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Sarver, 27
"Thank You" (Boyz II Men)
He has the 5th most dangerous job in the world, doing something on an oil rig. He was okay, nothing special, but he was hoping Idol would help him create a better life for his family. Sad story = ticket to Hollywood.

Katrina Darrell, 20
"Vision of Love" (Mariah Carey)
Ah, the bikini girl. Randy and Simon loved her. Paula and Kara hated her. She was good, in exactly the way that girls who get through to Hollywood in regular clothes are. Kara sang to prove she was much better, but she actually wasn't, and when Katrina pointed it out, Paula acted all scandalized but you could tell she was trying not to laugh, which was kind of awesome. And then she tried to make out with Seacrest and he begged her to go swimming instead. Going to Hollywood.

Eric Thomas, 17
"Ribbon in the Sky" (Stevie Wonder)
I don't remember this guy's song at all, but I do remember his "Sexual Chocolate" tattoo. And since he didn't make it through, his mom bought him a car, which seems like the wrong message, but who am I to judge someone's parenting philosophies? No Hollywood.

Brianna Quijada, 22
"Let's Hear it for the Boy" (Deniece Williams) and "Killing Me Softly" (Fugees)
She was sweet, and she was adorable, but she was a terrible singer. And for some reason, she's going to Hollywood. The hell?

Deanna Brown, 25
"Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" (Otis Redding)
She has a good voice, and I think she'll really start to shine once she has access to the stylists, if she lasts that long. Going to Hollywood.

Cody Sheldon, 17
"Wonderful World" (James Morrison)
Not only does Cody Sheldon look just like a goth version of former contestant Danny Noriega, I think he might actually BE Danny Noriega, in disguise, giving it another go. I smell a scandal! Going to Hollywood.

Alex Wagner-Trugman, 19
"Baby Come to Me" (James Ingram)
He used to sing in the closet and got mold poisoning because of it. He's pretty good, and may just be this season's loveable dork.

Scott MacIntyre, 23
"And So It Goes" (Billy Joel)
This was the blind guy. And he was good, but not great, and I feel mean for saying it, but I really don't think he would have gotten through had he not been blind. If you were following us on Twitter, Curly had this zinger: "I kind of feel bad that the blind guy has messy hair."

All in all, it was underwhelming. Or as one contestant we never did get to see perform muttered to the camera, "What a nightmare. This show is a joke."