Season Finale (Part 1): Recap

Wow, so I wasn't so far off last week when I guessed that the Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble! guy was in the audience. I'm a little shocked at my accuracy 'cause I totally pulled that out of my ass. I should really fish around in there for some number combinations and then take a crack at this week's Lotto. It's not everyone who has a magical, soothsaying rear end, you know.

Anyhoo, the annoying announcer was there to kick off a night of belabored boxing references. I still don't quite understand how Andrew Lloyd Webber fit into the picture... unless, of course, you factor in all the critics and nay-sayers who would be all too happy to beat his ass down. Yes, me included. Actually, I'd prefer to wrestle him a steel cage match. Just 'cause.

So, in the red corner or whatever, was David Cook who bounced around and punched at the air with credible skill and effect. Less successful was wee David Archuleta who just sort of flung his arms up over his head and bounded uncomfortably toward the center of the stage. I'm not the least bit surprised that Cook's was the better result since he merely did what he's been doing all season long -- copying someone else's work. In this case, Carl Weathers'.

First Round: Song Selection by Rudy Giuliani, er, I mean, Clive Davis

David Cook: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2
Save for one ill-advised "C'mon!" I was happy to see that Cook left the arrangement intact and sung a faithful rendition of the original. I totally didn't hate it. Nor did Randy who dubbed it "Hot, baby!" Paula went the obvious route and told David that he was "what we're looking for." Um, speak for yourself there, Paula. Simon rounded out the love fest calling the performance "phenomenal."

David Archuleta: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John
Um, I can't believe I'm going to say this but I thought David Cook smoked wee David in this round. The judges disagreed. Randy upped the temperature to "Molten hot!" whereas Paula's nips were at attention because wee David had given her the chills. Simon weighed in with his signature fake-out where he started off by saying something ominous and then ended up planting a a big wet one on Archuleta.

Result: Round One to Archuleta.

Second Round: Song Contest Selections

Cook: "Dream Big" by Emily Shackleton
I did not enjoy that. Then again, I never enjoy these original songs. And, ew, this one sounded a lot like Survivor. If there's one thing worse than a Survivor song (save for "Eye of the Tiger") it's a song that merely sounds like a Survivor song. Seriously, is the Survivor sound something anyone needs to emulate? What's next? A Mr. Mister cover band?

Wow, the very idea of that just sent a cold shiver up and down my spine.

Archuleta: "In This Moment" by Ryan Gilmore
I knew before he even opened his mouth that Archuleta would take this round. He's all about the uplifting cheese and well, so are the dildos who apply for this fucking contest.

Result: Cook shouldn't have even bothered.

Third Round: Contestant's Choice

I thought for sure Cook would handily win this round because, while his arrangements aren't all that original (despite misguided popular opinion), he has been very good at picking different showcase-y songs for his voice and style. Um yeah, not tonight.

He opted for "The World I Know" by Collective Soul... Dude, Collective Soul? Really? Why? Even more surprising was that he maintained an even, quiet pace throughout. He didn't resort to his usual slow-build-then-screamy-big-finish as he's done pretty much every week prior. As a result, he was met with subdued praise by the judges... Well, the two judges who didn't want to jump his bones. You see, Paula's cooch speaks for her when Cook is on the stage so I'm not even going to dignify her verbal queefs, if you will, with further analysis.

Randy called it "very nice" but Simon thought he should have reprised "Billie Jean" or "Hello." He also called Cook one of the nicest contestants ever and then immediately looked pissed and regretful when Cook opined about his time on the show being "a progression" and therefore, he didn't want to repeat himself. Simon prefers when you feign modesty with the namaste-like bows, David. I'd tell you to make note but well, too late!

David Archuleta smartly trotted out "Imagine" one last time, sans the blasphemous first verse. Randy was all "You're the best singer ever! Woooooooooooooooooooooo! Did I mention you could sing the phone book?! Wooooooooooooooooooo!" Paula claimed to be speechless even though nonsensical words continued to fall out her mouf. Lots of them. Simon informed us that we had just witnessed a knock-out. I was all, "Um, okay" but then I promptly picked up the phone and voted for David Archuleta like a million times. He's persuasive, that Simon.

However, according to most of you, my votes are in vain. Our poll (live until 8PM EST tomorrow) currently has David Cook spanking both Archuleta and apathy. There's still time to reverse it! Clear your cookies and vote again! Or else, I may very well toss mine.