Top 7 - Mariah Carey Songbook

Every week, Ryan McDouchebag puts a longer pause after the word “This…” and before the words “is American Idol”. Tonight’s pause was about 45 minutes long. Enough with the drama, Queen. Gawd!

Oh. Mariah Carey is in the hizzouse tonight. Goody. I’m sure we’ll be treated to her freakish nose-whistling and breathy lisp. I can’t wait. By the way, I hope you picked up on my sarcasm, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.

I don’t think I’m going to know any of the songs the performers sing tonight because I make it a point to never, ever listen to Mariah Carey. Ever. Seriously. Like, I leave the room if I can hear her singing. Just not a fan, so I’m completely unfamiliar with all of her songs.

David Archuleta – “When you believe”. I’m not a lover of inspirational songs like this, and I’m guessing a few others that will be in tonight’s lineup. Nonetheless, going purely on his vocal, I thought little Davey did alright. I thought it was a little breathy, and I was worried that he would actually stick some falsetto in there like Mariah Carey suggested. Randy & Paula loved it and fell all over themselves telling him about it. Simon thought it was “very, very good.”

Carly Smithson – “Without You” I know this song even though Mariah Carey obviously recorded it because she ripped off covered the original by Badfinger. So there. I thought Carly knocked it out of the park, y’all. I thought her vocals were clear and spot-on; strong where strength was needed and I thought she pulled back at just the right moments. Randy, who I have decided is a misogynist, thought it was just alright. Paula “liked” it. Simon said she didn’t pull it off, that it was “an okay version”. Carly said she enjoyed herself and had a good time. I loved it.

Syesha Mercado – “Vanishing” I found it ironic that Syesha thought Mariah was “taking her time” to help her make the song her own by showing her how she should sing it. Although I probably won’t win any popularity contests for saying this, I hated it. I think I hated the style of the song and the way she sang it more than her vocal, which was actually pretty nice. I just couldn’t wait for it to be over. Randy and Paula loved it. Simon said technically it was very good, but said she should have chosen a more well-known song and thinks she might have put herself in danger. Syesha, you in danger, girl.

Brooke White – “Hero” Again with Mariah telling these poor contestants to sing about 5 octaves above where they’re comfortable singing. Brooke, accompanying herself on the piano, started off on a really sour note. Sour. Curdled. After that, she cleaned it up a little bit, but I finally realized something about her while she sang this: there is absolutely nothing whatsoever that is, even in the slightest way, exciting about Brooke White. After the bridge, Brooke lost it completely and started shaking uncontrollably which was visible in the very tight close-up, but it affected her vocal tremendously. Randy still loved it because he is retarded. Paula said she was identifiable. Whatever. Simon said “it was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.” Finally, a Cowell analogy that I can get behind.

Kristy Lee Cook – “Forever” Mariah said she got goosebumps listening to Kristy Lee singing this. Ohmygod me too! I always get goosebumps when I gag. Now I have to shave my legs again. Kristy Lee Cook can’t sing anything without burying it under a pile of Hillbillies and deep frying it. Randy acknowledged that it was pitchy but better towards the end. Paula was high on painkillers and loved it. Simon said she didn’t give him chills. I have a stronger gag reflex than he does.

David Cook – “Always be my baby” Thought he was “taking another step outside the box” by singing this song. If the judges like this, I’m going to shit down both legs. The Camera Fuckery alone made me want to kick him square in his balls. If I could reach him, I would have. I thought the vocal was shaky and too low a register for him. I thought it sucked ass. And of course, he had to try and rock out after the bridge. Like a big, combed-over weenie.

…aaaaaand, I’ve just shit down both legs. Randy loved it and stood to applaud him. Paula said it could be in a movie soundtrack. Simon said it was like “coming out of karaoke hell and into a breath of fresh air.” Gotta clean up before my husband comes on. He’s next.

Jason Castro – “I want to cry” Cleary, I’m gonna have to kick Mariah Carey’s ass for rubbing up on my man like that. I was too distracted by my burning loins to pay much attention to Jason’s vocal. No, actually, I thought it was sweet and sultry and I’ll kick Randy in the neck for not loving it. He thought it sounded like “a luau.” I thought it fit his style perfectly. Simon loved it just like the ultra-horny Paula did. I’m going to have to fight that bitch for my man.

My picks for bottom three: Kristy Lee Cook, Brooke White, Syesha Mercado.

Going home: I think it might just be Brooke White.