Results Recap

The good news is, I'm all done with culinary school hell and will actually have the time and energy to post on a regular basis! The bad news is, one of these youngsters has to pack up his or her dreams and head back from whence they came.

But first there's something important we need to discuss. What is that monstrosity around Paula Abdul's neck? It looks like a flower bouquet ate and then threw up 12 diamond necklaces.

Mariah medley time. It sounds like a middle school choir performance. Everyone is pretty terrible, and it sounds like seven different songs are being sung at the same time. Ugh.

Secret boyfriend alert! Ryan knows that Simon has a grass skirt.

The kids are divided into groups, which I know because my mom called me all frantic that David Cook might be in the bottom three. Jason Castro is the first member of the group on Ryan's left. I'll call them Team Sexy. David Cook is the first member of the group on Ryan's right, which I'll be calling Team Smarmy. I have to give props to David for not playing the sick brother card. Didn't even mention it despite Ryan's prodding.

Carly Smithson joins Jason's team, forcing me to rename it. It's now Team Less Sexy. Kristy Lee rounds out Team Less Smarmy.

Ford Fusion time. "I Want to Break Free" by Queen is the song. Apparently, if you work in an office, you're a puppet, and the only thing that can save you is a ride in your Ford Fusion. No, really. I didn't make that up.

Oh, Elliott Yamin. You were my favorite underdog ever, and yet I just don't care anymore. I don't know what happened, honestly. Aw! He has "We Miss You Mom" written on his hand. That touches me. I care again. Well, I don't want to listen to him sing again, but I do care.

Syesha Mercado joins Team Less Sexy, bringing the sexy back. Brooke White joins Team Less Smarmy, making it Team Blond. Am I losing you? Let me recap:

Team Sexy: Jason, Carly and Syesha
Team Blond: David Cook, Kristy, Brooke

I know that Carly isn't particularly sexy and David Cook isn't particularly blond, but I'm going with the law of averages here, people. Try to keep up. Which team with David Archuleta join? My guess is, the one in which everyone is safe, and I have no fucking clue which one that is at this point.

Call-in question time! I hate this segment so, so much. Joan, age 23, Vegas wants to ask Kristy if she ever got back the horse she sold to get to the audition. The answer is no, and Ryan asks the dude to not be such a douchebag and sell the damn horse back already. Jillian from Maine wants to know what the first record each judge owned was. Randy's was either Led Zeppelin, Beatles or James Brown. Paula's three, because she forgot that the question only asked for one, because OxyCodone hurts your short-term memory, were Jackson Five, Earth, Wind and Fire and Carole King. Simon's was Paula Abdul. Megan, age 15, Jersey, wants to know which of Paula's songs best describes her relationship with Simon. Megan is "the" Megan from Paula's reality show, which I don't know what that means but suddenly everyone is uncomfortable. Paula does some wacky wordplay with song titles and then says "applesauce" a bunch of times while standing on her head and rubbing her stomach. I don't fucking know. And this is the point where I tune out and start asking and answering my own questions.

Jess wants to know how Simon keeps his nipples erect all the time. Simon says, "ice cube bra." Jess also wants to know why Carly allows herself to be dressed in the most unflattering manor ever. Carly asks, "What do you mean?" Jess really, really wants to know if she can see Jason Castro naked. Jason says, "I thought you'd never ask, Sexy Mama!" That's right, baby. Come to Mama…

Mariah time, which in my house means "fast-forward time." Team Sexy and Team Blond are back up on the stage. Ryan summons The Archuleta, Decider of Fortunes. David Archuleta is safe, and in a twist of fate, David Cook and Syesha trade places! David Archuleta gets to pick which group he thinks is safe, but he sits on the floor instead. Team Sexy, which is no longer Sexy at all, is safe and he joins him.

Bottom three: Kristy, Brooke and Syesha. Syesha is… SAFE! Brooke is… SAFE! Kristy Lee Cook is OUT! IN YOUR FACE VOTE FOR THE WORST! She sings out by serenading Simon from her perch on the judges' table. She sounds really rough, but she gets a pass because she was crying five seconds ago. My guess is VFTW is going to pick either Brooke or Jason next. What do you think?