Top 12: Curly's Recap

Tonight's recap is brought to you by Stella Artois... brewed by the same noble tradition in Belgium since 1366.

To clarify, we at American Midol have not received a kick-back from that mention. I'm merely warning you that I've had a few so you should attribute any silliness in this post to the makers of this fine beer. Speaking of which... kind people at Stella Artois -- we at American Midol would NOT turn down the scratch if you wanted to work something out. Or free beer. We'll gladly accept either.

Moving on...

So tonight's episode featured the venerable Lennon-McCartney song book as well as the highly-touted new opening graphics and brand spanking new stage. The "new" intro didn't seem all that new to me, if I'm being honest. They still have the two figures walking towards the stage in a manner that suggests both are suffering from a debilitating case of scoliosis. There were some new flourishes, I guess, but mostly just left-over colors and clips from previous seasons. Such bullshit.

The new set looked straight out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express." I seriously expected the performers to come out on roller skates and do jumps and stunts and shit while singing. Would have made for a more-interesting two hours of my life, if you ask moi.

Oh and there's a supposed "mosh pit," according to Ryan. Um, I know he's way into music and crap but was boyfriend ever actually IN a mosh pit?! 'Cause I was. In fact, I took more than one Doc Marten to the temple (would explain a lot, no?) and never once in my experience did I ever notice anyone doing the slow back-and-forth wave during ballads, as "Idol" audiences were wont to do this evening. Rookies. Me at 19 would have kicked their arses.

If my arms went up in the air, it was to help pass along some big dude who was crowd-surfing with reckless abandon. Oh and there was that one time I raised an arm and then flipped off Gordon Gano at a Violent Femmes show because he was giving us a condescending lecture about the dangers of throwing shit on the stage.

Fucktard.

Now that that's out of the way, on with the show...

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Got to Get You Into My Life"
Syesha look like a "Solid Gold" dancer in that ensemble. Were Rick Dees and Marilyn McCoo in the house?

Randy thought it was all right. Paula told Syesha she found her zone midway through. Simon thought it was far more than Randy's all right but felt that Syesha succumbed to a case of the nerves. As for me, I think she took a great song and cheesed it up. Unforgivable.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "She's a Woman"
Hot damn, that was good. I didn't want to like it but Fat Alfonso Ribeiro threw all of his heart and flab into it. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Randy was similarly entertained. Paula said some crap about the reward paying off. I'm guessing she meant risk? Probably not. I think Paula was hitting the Stella tonight too. Simon dug it.

Methinks Fat Alfonso Ribeiro is actually safe this week and, if he plays his cards right, one step closer to shedding the nickname I've saddled him with.

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "In My Life"
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro's was a tough act to follow. I didn't envy anyone in this spot tonight but I thought Ramiele might be all spitfire-like and hold her own. Yeah, no.

Randy was bored. Paula told her she was pretty which means she hated the singing but was too much of a drugged-up pussy to say so. Simon, on the other hand, had no qualms about telling her he was bored to tears.

Word, Simon. And you too, stupid Randy. Ramiele is a possible Bottom Three contender tonight.

Jason Castro
Performed: "If I Fell"
I love Jason but this really wasn't his best. Randy didn't love it. Paula disagreed with Randy and said, "I'll tell you why..." And then she proceeded to explain but honestly, I didn't hear a word of it because I was too busy doodling in my notebook. If I had to guess why she supports Jason with such gusto, it's because he has a penis. She likes those.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Come Together"
Oh man, she kicked that song's ass. I finally believe the Carly hype. It took me a while to warm up to her but she won me over tonight. She received a crazy amount of applause and unanimous praise from the judges. Hopefully she'll remember that next week and won't revert to selecting crap-ass songs.

David Cook
Performed: "Eleanor Rigby"
Nothing shocking here: I still hate him and all three judges bent right over for his so-so performance. This has got to stop.

Brooke White
Performed: "Let It Be"
Once again, Brooke showcased that awesome smoky texture in her vocals. She played solid piano throughout. Even better, she didn't fiddle with the arrangement but still kept it interesting. She did a great job. I loved how awed and humbled she was at the enormity of the stage and the moment. The judges ate it up as did I.

David Hernandez
Performed: "I Saw Her Standing There"
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. I knew it would be before he even opened his mouth. I was, however, a little surprised to see him venture out into the audience and dance up on some o' the ladies, you know, given his sordid stripping past. Oh, why oh why weren't any of them holding out dollar bills?!? No one thought that might be kind of funny?!?! That's officially the lamest mosh pit ever.

Randy, Paula and Simon all thought David's performance sucked balls. I'm guessing American will too. See you in the Bottom Three, David.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "You Can't Do That"
Hi, nice Dude from Quiet Riot pants there, Amanda. Seriously, it looks like she shops at one of those stores where Brett Michaels takes his dates on "Rock of Love."

Sadly, the judges dug her so we're stuck with her for at least another week.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Across the Universe"
While not nearly as screechy or boring, Michael committed the same sin as Ramiele. He took one of the quieter songs in the songbook and dutifully sang it without any ooomph. Also, Rufus Wainwright covered that song a few years ago and no one else can touch it, in my opinion.

Randy finally got Michael's dick out of his mouth and opined that the song made him sleepy. Finally! He criticized him. Paula yammered on about "quiet confidence" or some bullshit. Simon said that while a good vocal, it was monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Eight Days a Week"
I just took a look at the notes I scribbled during the show and, at first, I thought I wrote "super fart" in response to Kristy's performance. If that vocal had a smell, it would be a equivalent to a super fart, I guess. What I actually wrote was "super fast." The tempo was way up. So much so that it sounded like a 33 being played on the 45 setting. Um, am I dating myself with the whole record player reference?

Simon actually said it best when he declared that she sounded like "Dolly Parton on helium." Paula hated it so much, she didn't even bother to tell Kristy how pretty she looked. That's bad. Randy said something negative too but, well, do you really care?

David Archuleta
Performed: "We Can Work It Out"
How come David got to wrap up the show yet again? I mean, I know the producers want him to win and stuff but seriously, didn't he already get the last slot during the Top 24? Must we be so obvious?!?

Randy didn't think it was on point. Paula agreed it wasn't his best but still fawned all over him anyway. Simon dubbed it a mess and criticized David for attempting the Stevie Wonder version of the song. At this point, I was too buzzed and tired to really give a shit.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Kristy Lee Cook, David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Kristy and her twang are hitting the trail.