Results: America, Meet Your Top 12

The royal WE built them a new stage and bought them some Beatles songs to butcher. This is American Idol.

Oh Christ. Blake Lewis. The boyfriend and I watched his video on one of those Music On Demand channels. He liked it. I broke up with him. Okay, I didn't, but I thought about it for a second or two. Apparently Blake didn't get the memo about removing one shiny item of clothing before leaving the house. Paula's rocking out in an inexplicable hat. I want to shoot myself.

While we're having a commercial break, did anyone notice how unbelievably unhappy Amanda Overmyer was last night? I thought for sure TMZ would be on it today, but alas. Maybe I'll find something when I do my super sexy news update tomorrow.

Over 36 million votes this week. I like Ryan's suit. The judges are awfully silly this season. I think everyone's dipping into Paula's Kool-Aid.

David Cook is... IN! And Lionel Richie loves him.

David Archuleta is... IN! And he makes people happy. He and Brooke White do a Mormon fist-pump.

Jason Castro is... IN! And he loves me! Okay, I made that up. He hasn't even met me. Yet.

Man, I can't wait until Amanda Overmyer gets voted off and spills why she was so upset in an interview. And if it has "American Midol Blog" in it, even better. for the traffic, not for our souls. We're clearly going to hell.

Brooke White is... IN! I didn't recap last night, but I did love her performance.

Syesha Mercado is... IN! I found her screamy.

Kady Malloy is... OUT! Which means we have to hear that awful song again. Also, she looks pregnant in that dress. I think she should host TRL. Asia'H is inconsolable. Ouch, this hurts. I'm fast-forwarding. Man, Ramiele is a cryer, huh? Danny Noriega is also crying. Buncha fucking pansies on this show.

David Hernandez is... IN! No more stripper poles for him!

Michael Johns is... IN! Duh.

Luke Menard is... OUT! Jess is two for two! I also predicted Kady and Kristy Lee Cook, but I didn't post it.

Paula looks like a glitter demon is trying to eat her brain. And she is shaking it hard for Luke. Totally wants to bang him. I think he should become a soap star. I love how bored Simon looks.

Danny Noriega and Chikezie Eze left. Who's going home? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Ramiele Malubay is... IN!

Carly Smithson is... IN! Duh. Duh for all the foreigners tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is... IN! And she looks bummed about it. What the fuck is going on with that girl?

Asia'H Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook are left. Who will it be? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Hey, have you heard that this is the most talented season EVER?

Asia'H Epperson is... wait, no.

Kristy Lee Cook is... IN! And Asia'H is going home. The hell? So now we're down to one black girl and one generic blond. That sounds about right as far as these things generally play out. What will they do about all the gays on the boy's side?

Her singout is making me misty, what with all the holding back the tears and the dead dad and whatnot. I must be overtired. And I think Paula is on ecstasy.

Danny and Chikezie are holding hands, which just made me laugh out loud. My cat looked at me like, "Dude, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chikezie is... IN! Hey, remember a couple of seconds ago when I asked what was going to happen with all the gays? Uh huh.

Goddammit. Why does my DVR always have to cut off the last few minutes of the show? I shake my fist at you, Time Warner Cable!

There you have it, folks. Your top 12. I may be surprised, but I'm not sad. When Jason Castro goes, though? Someone better show up at my place with a bottle of Riesling and a Vicodin.