Recap: Audition Recap

Whoa, I just blew my mind.

Okay, I totally fell asleep while watching the show last night so this will be spotty.

I remember a puppy. And I remember wanting to eat it, it was so cute. I remember the blond chick who owned it. I also remember wanting to kick the Douchebag Doublemint Twins accompanying her in the balls. If the owner of the puppy had balls, I would have kicked her in them. Sadly, anatomy prevents me from properly dishing out poetic justice. Well, I suppose I could kick her in the vagina. Yes, it's official: I want to kick her in the cooch. And then steal her puppy.

Then there was the broad with the self-proclaimed God-given talent. And here I thought the Voice of God was Walter Kronkite. I stand corrected.

Breaking News: Church attendance declines; atheism on the rise. Former parishioners cite "yelly voice of God" as reason for their loss of faith.

Um, what else... I also vaguely recall a semi-hot chick who sang "Blue Bayou" and had a sob story about her single mom who had a lot kids. Call me cynical but it sounds like she just took the story of "There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe" and updated it to sway the producers. Next year, I'm going to audition for "Idol" and I'm going to tell them that I'm homeless because a wolf blew my house down. Hopefully I'll make it to Hollywood too!

I seriously don't remember the rest because I was sawing logs quite vigorously by this point. I'm so done with auditions. However, I'm so ready for the dashed hopes and crushed dreams of Hollywood Week. In fact, I'm off to sharpen my knives right now. Adieu.