San Diego Audition Recap

First of all, how cute were those old men at the beginning of the show? Good God, I wanted to set up a table and while away an afternoon playing bridge with them. And I don't even play bridge! That's how cute they were!

All in all, I found San Diego pretty underwhelming, but there were a couple of bright lights among the dim, or completely burned out, bulbs. Here's my take on this crop of Idol hopefuls.

Tetiana Ostapowych
I have to say, I agree with Simon's assessment that she's not as good as she thinks she is. You could see her face -- she's all, "I'm rocking this!" and while she was good, I also found it kind of boring and lacking in emotion. Technical prowess will only get you so far in this competition, and I think she's not going to be around past Hollywood Week. I did really want to like her, though, because I have a good friend with the same name, but when I rewinded the DVR to catch the spelling, I realized it's TETiana, not TATiana, so now I feel justified in my dislike.

Perrie Cataldo
Holy frickin' backstory, Batman! Mom was killed, he's a 27-year old single dad with the cutest kid EVER. I'm not sure if the kid's name is Evian, like the water, or Avian, like the bird flu, but seriously, this guy could have done a spoken word version of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover," like my college friends Ryan and Marc used to do in a never-successful pick-up-way, and I'd still be rooting for his ass. On a related note, everything about the song, "I'll Make Love To You" gives me the willies.

Michael Johns
I dug him, both musically and in a naked shenanigans way.

The Bad: Marat Hayrapetyan, Christopher Mitchell, Tehilla Lauder. Not much to say about them aside from the fact that Simon's WTF?! faces were hilarious.

Valerie Reyes
There's a lesson that Valerie Reyes can teach all of us. If you are so delusional that you think you sound like any of the following people; Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or Aretha Franklin, know this: You don't, and you probably never will. Unless you want to be an audition show reject, stay home and take up needlepoint. The whole "I swallowed as frog and then choked on it, and now it's slowly dying while lodged in the back of my throat" thing made me cringe.

Joseph and Juanita Mejia
Okay, so get this: A Mexican and a mime walk into a bar. The Mexican starts choking on a piece of Gardetto's snack mix, and the mime starts mimicking choking to get someone to help. The mime gets the Heimlich, the Mexican dies, and neither one of them makes it to Hollywood, because Simon hates gimmicks. The end.

Monique Gibson
Whitney Houston. Don't. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!

Christopher Baker
NO WHITNEY GOES DOUBLE FOR BOYS. Someone call security and get rid of this guy! Oh, wait. These two remind me of a half-passed-out junkie couple I saw on the F-train once.

Samantha Musa
That girl's got SOUL, yo! Terrible taste in men, but a great voice.

Day Two: Wasn't that redheaded guy in the beginning from last year? Didn't I make fun of him and he turned out to be mentally challenged in some way?

Blake Boshnack
"Sometimes I don't know who it's a bigger dream for, my son or me." See: Lynn Spears, Dina Lohan, etc.

More Bad: Alexandria Ruiz, Sarah Long (The hell was she even trying to sing?), some fatties.

Alberto Hurtado
Okay, so when this guy is sitting in the field smelling the flower, all I can think of is the scene from Fear of a Black Hat, where they're spoofing PM Dawn with the song about bodily functions. Which makes me laugh, natch. The nails! OMG, the nails! Gross! And I've seen enough So You Think You Can Dance to know that Barbie is NOT doing the paso doble. The fan said "A Big American Idol Fan," by the way. Get it? Fan?

Still more bad: Aaron Garrett. Kinda cute, though.

David Archuleta
He did "Waiting for the World to Change" better than Sanjaya. Not saying much, really, but hey, if Kevin Covais got s hot, why not this guy?

Carly Smithson
I want to go out for pints of Guinness with her. Love. Her. So. Much. She's allowed to sing Whitney Houston. Her and her little tattooed husband are the cutest.

Top 24 predictions: Carly Smithson and Michael Johns.