Recap: Dallas Auditions

Okay, so this can't technically be called a recap just yet because I'm not done watching the show. This isn't technically live blogging either since the show concluded more than two hours ago. This will read more like a series of disjointed brain farts. Oh wait, all of my posts read like a series of disjointed brain farts, don't they?

So refresh every now and then and you may very well catch the whiff of a brand new fart. Get your noseplugs ready.

Paul Stafford
So even though I'm only like 10 minutes into a 2-hour broadcast, I'm confident in stating that he just uttered the best unintentional quote of the evening:

"Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would... 'cause he goes down on just about everybody."

OMG, Paul not only outed Simon, he called him a dirty whore as well. Besmirched!

Drucila Wideman
One look at this 16-year-old and I thought, "Oh look, it's Dee, the sarcastic younger sister on What's Happening?!"

Wow, dude, did I really just trot out a Friends reference? I MUST be tired.

Alaina Whitaker
Did girlfriend just say Carrie Underwood looks like her? Somebody hold my gold. Oooh, Simon just took her down a peg. I like when Simon and I gang up on bitches. Oh wait, the fucker put her through to Hollywood! SIMON!! Perhaps he was, as Paul Stafford suggested, blowing Ryan during her so-so audition and didn't hear it. That's the only explanation.

Bruce Dickson
Here we have the chaste 19-year-old with the virginity key hanging from his neck. It's a promise to his father to stay pure until he's married. Not that there's anything wrong with being a virgin but why the hell is his dad so involved in this? Suddenly that last name takes on a new significance.

Brandon Green
I will NOT discuss the finger nails. Should he make it through to the finals, I will forever lobby for his ouster. You simply cannot gross me out like that and can get away with it.

Kayla Hatfield
Amy Sedaris could totally play her if a movie of her life was ever made.

Douglas Davidson
In his pre-audition interview, Douglas informed us that his father hates him. Because of his talent, of course. It has absolutely nothing to do with his maniacal pacing, neverending vocal warm-ups and profuse sweating.

More to come tomorrow. With pictures!