Premiere Night Liveblogging

7:46: Salsa and chips in bowl. Drinks poured. Mejack and Jess in attendance, waiting.

7:48: Curly buzzed in.

7:59: Pizza ordered.

8:01: Mejack: I read in the Post that it's even meaner this year. Curly: What? Meaner than making fun of retarded people?

8:02: We're in Philly!

8:05: Joey Catalano. Like Jordan Catalano. But not really. Underwhelming.

8:13: The room collectively calls bullshit on Yuka, the wannabe Borat who claims to be from Egypt.

8:20: Tour guide James Lewis. Deaf Lurch. Also, why is Paula Abdul wearing a white bra under a sheer black shirt?

8:28: Mejack on Jonathan Baines: Oh, look! It's Timothy McVeigh!

8:30: Jess: I want to see Temptress Brown tackle Ryan Seacrest. Mejack: Ryan still plays for pee-wee.

8:33: Okay, seriously? (This is Jess) Why do they give us a backstory just to have the person suck? Poor Temptress Brown. It's so mean! Meaner than Simon, even.

8:50: Curly on Udi: Oh please, don't let him be from New Jersey.

8:52: Collective laughs over the awesome blond girl screaming, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"

9:00: Alexis Cohen. Mejack: This is making my tooth hurt. (Also, she woke up the cat.)

9:01: Randy Jackson says 'Peace, Love and Chicken Grease.' No comment necessary.

9:03: Mejack: "Wiggle Ammonia?" What does that mean? I (Jess) immediately started laughing, and then crying, and then hyperventilating. Curly: She said "legally moon you."

9:13: Mr. Mejack arrives. Eats pizza.

9:16: Curly, on Christina Tolisano, the wackjob with the Princess Leia hair: She looks like the chick from Dodgeball.



9:26: Jess: I LOVE Paula's eye makeup. Any makeup artists out there that could help me with that?

9:39: An IM conversation with Melissa regarding Paul Marturano, the stalker:

Melissa: Holy shit that guy made me shit on myself.

Jess: Which one? Oh, we're behind. We paused the DVR.

Melissa: Oh. Sorry - you'll see him. He's the dude that sings TO PAULA. Uber creepy. Creepy McCreeperson.

Jess: With the cape?

Melissa: No - shortly after him. Seriously - like somebody should have called security...

Jess: OHMYGOD

Melissa: Yeah. Him. Seriously.

Jess: Peterfalkher!

Melissa: THAT WAS THE BEST PART

9:51: Chris Watson, the hot black guy with the dreads? OMG. I want to eat fresh fruit off of his chest. Or at least, I did, until I came to the unfortunate conclusion that he's going to be this season's camera fucker. (This is Jess, BTW)

Parting thoughts:

Mejack: None

Curly: Bring back the retards.

Jess: DUH.

In hindsight, we don't love liveblogging. So we're not gonna do it anymore, or at least not until we forget how much we didn't like it in the first place.