Monday News Update

Kiddies, mama's got a splitting headache and a gag reflex on the brink of collapse so drop everything and listen up (and get the bucket and mop ready) because it's news roundup time and I'm in no mood (or state) to dilly-dally.

Actually, by all rights, it really should have been news roundup time hours ago when you people were bored at work and desperate for a distraction but, well, some of us don't have the luxury of wasting time and fucking around on The Man's dime.

Um, to clarify, the preceding statement should be translated as dripping with jealousy as opposed to a finger-wagging guilt trippy kind of thing.

God, I feel like ass but I will sally forth. However, it's really hard to combat the urge to puke and/or faint when I'm faced with images such as this during my quest to find you some news:

God damn you, TMZ. Damn you to hell.

Man, you know it's a slow news day when Seacrest's flab is the lead item. Here are the rest of the day's paltry headlines:

Former Tricycle Driver on 'American Idol'
I don't actually have anything to add to this news story. Hell, I didn't even read it because I can't quite get past the headline. I'm technically a former tricycle driver myself but it's not like I put it on my resume or call it out as a special skill when granting interviews. I suppose we should be grateful that the publication didn't choose to tout Renaldo Lapuz's graduation from diapers to big-boy undies. (Global Nation)

'American Idol' Invites Us to Ask Blake Lewis 'Nearly Anything'
Oooh! Oooh! I've got one, Blake. First-time caller, long-time listener, here and I just have to know... Why are you such a colossal douche? Thanks in advance for answering! (AmericanIdol.com; TMZ.com)

That is all. To the Pepto!