Melissa’s Wednesday Idol Recap - Charleston S.C.

I’ve managed to finish off last night’s brownies and I’m waiting with baited breath for the Idol auditions in Charleston, South Carolina to start. You could cut the tension with a knife! Well, not really. But I’ve been drinking. On with the “to the minute” recap.

7:02 - Oliver Hymen: Really? That’s really his name? His dad’s name is Buster.

7:03 – Raysharde. His awesome ‘fro was the best thing about him. Also, the first suggestion for “Raysharde” from my spell check was “Retarded”, which is even more awesome than his rockin’ ‘fro.

7:04 - DeAnna Prevatte: Frustrated waitress & potty mouth. I have no room to talk, but I’m not on national television trying to impress Simon Cowell. Sang Reba’s “Fancy” and it scared me so much a little pee came out. But again, I’ve been drinking.

7:12 - Crystal and Randy, the self-proclaimed Guru: What the shit? Besides the bizarre, horrific assault on the senses that was their dual audition, all their grody canoodling and public tongue hockey made me want to chunder. NEXT.

7:14 – The Lampkins, or “Crazy Tie Head” and his sister Michelle. Somehow, against everything that is good and right, they each got their golden tickets to Hollywood. Michelle’s ticket was tentative, contingent on her brother making her learn how to have talent. Does anyone else besides me smell a Malakar disaster with the Lampkins? Cause it reeks.

7:27 – “Amy Catherine. AC. Whatevs.” I didn’t catch her last name because I was trying to count the number of times she said the word “like” in her aimless rant on abstinence. I recently debuted a fart that had more musical talent than her. I’m writing this before I’ve heard the judges’ verdict and if they pass her on to Hollywood I’m going to punch myself in the head repeatedly.

7:30 – Commenced with the head punching during the commercial break, but not before the teaser about the contestant named Aretha, and her ginormous titties that ate Charleston.

7:34 – the third “Oliver Hymen” reference. It cracks me up every time.

SNARKY RANT ALERT ** SNARKY RANT ALERT **

7:34 – London Weidberg: Pretty and skinny and Simon loved her from the moment she walked in the door. Sang well, but was annoyingly breathy and dramatic. Then Simon said exactly what I was thinking while I was listening to her: “There are thousands of girls like you all over the country.” Every time I hear a vaguely reasonable female audition I think precisely the same thing. It was pretty good, but there was nothing unique about it whatsoever. Where the hell are the unique female vocalists? We need some rocker chicks, damn it! A chick with some balls. I don’t remember any from the previous auditions this season, and although “rocker chicks” have been the complete and total suck in seasons past, I still think we need one or two. I’m sick to death of female vocalists (and I use the term “vocalists” loosely) who pattern their vocal style after Mariah Carey (gag) or Christina Aguilera (vom). Doesn’t anybody get turned on by Chrissie Hynde anymore?

7:43 – Lindsey Goodman: The Air Force C-17 Pilot and cute as a doodlebug. Sang “Black Velvet”, always an audition killer in my opinion. She was stiff and wooden in her audition, but I think the real reason they didn’t send her to Hollywood is because Randy and Simon were overcome with intimidation and C-17 envy.

7:46 – Aretha Codner: Holy Mammary Glands, Batman! I thought she sang a hell of a lot better than Simon thought she did; told her she sounded terrible and said she “murdered the song”. And of course his sheep, Randy & Paula followed suit. Baaaaaaa. Sure, she changed pitch once or twice, but she actually sounds like she has a trainable voice and I think they’re all passing on her for the wrong reasons. Must have been distracted by her HUGE TITTIES. If it makes you feel any better Aretha, I thought you sounded pretty good. And that you should wear a support bra.

7:50 - Joshua Boson: I can’t even comment about his voice because it was such a bad caricature. But I WILL comment on the fact that he said “This show is fake and rigged!” and it pushed Simon’s fake-and-rigged button. Well Joshua, maybe it is fake and rigged, but you’re still a no-singin’ tool. That part is real.

7:57 – anonymous blond chapeau’d idiot: “Randy called me a Disney character.” Careful there, I almost spilled my drink.

7:58 – Oliver Highman: Well, now that I know how it’s spelled, it’s not nearly as funny. Wait – yes it is. I’ve been drinking. Just say it. Say it out loud. His audition sounded like the understudy for an opera Diva wrecking an aria. But his name makes me giggle like a little girl.

Next week – Omaha Nebraska. Where, from what I can tell from the previews, the people there are genuinely frightening and I’m gonna need a whole lot more alcohol.