The Top Three: The Recap

Greetings and welcome to your weekly alcohol-fueled recap. Sadly, I'm not quite tanked up yet. However, I'm diligently working on it as I write this (courtesy of Blue Moon Honey Moon Summer Ale, thank you very much.) In retrospect, I should have started swigging this stuff sooner. Oh well, live and learn.

Now, is it just me or was Simon completely defanged tonight? What the fuck was that about? And Paula, dammit, wasn't all high and stuff. This makes me very cranky and I will take this dissatisfaction and... and... uh, translate it into data and then plot it on this week's Scattergram. All the rage and ambition fell out of that potentially emphatic declaration of revolt shortly after I started it. Sorry.

And now, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce (selected by
Simon Cowell)
This song was wobbly at the start but about halfway through, Jordin grabbed hold and smoothed it out. I dug it. As did Randy and Paula. Despite the fact that he selected it, Simon wasn't happy with the band's "weird jazz arrangement." Ryan dusted off his powers of selective listening and crowed that Simon didn't like his own song, an annoying non-fact he kept repeating because he's an annoying douche.

Second Song: "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer (selected by the producers)
Unlike the judges who were unanimous in their praise, I thought this sucked balls. I don't blame Jordin. I blame the producers who saddled the poor girl with this relic. Clearly, they hate Jordin. I think because they're getting as tired of her heart-shaped and text-messaging hand gestures as I am.

Third Song: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
(selected by Jordin)
Jordin resurrected this song from British Invasion Week. If she's going to rely on a repeat then I'm going to do the same by referring y'all to what I wrote back then.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "Roxanne" by The Police (selected by Paula Abdul)
Well, that sucked. And what was up with all that echo? I don't need to third and fourth generation versions of this bullshit.

I don't want to think about this song anymore. Let's look at an unflattering photo of Blake, shall we?

And here's one of the dumb ass sending the mic flying after fucking around with the stand:

Second Song: "This Love" by Maroon 5 (selected by the producers)
If I hate anyone more than Blake, it's Maroon 5. I don't know why since I rarely pay them any attention yet somehow, they've managed to find themselves on my "I hate you" radar. Sucks to be you, Maroon 5.

Third Song: "When I Get You Alone" by Robin Thicke
(selected by Blake)
Okay, so I don't know much about this Robin Thicke character except that his dad is Jason Seaver and he has a mind-boggling falsetto. To clarify, Robin has the falsetto, not Jason Seaver. Well, maybe Jason Seaver did but to my knowledge, there was no episode of "Growing Pains" devoted to it. However, in retrospect, there should have been.

You can't hear it but I'm now singing the theme song in the gnarliest falsetto I can muster. "Show me that smile again..."

Ahem. But I digress, I've seen Robin Thicke's appearances on "Today" and "American Idol" and both times, I sat there stunned and simultaneously repelled by the stank that was seeping out of my television's speakers. I honestly don't get the appeal. His voice was whispery, thin and really high. It sounded like a joke. Alas, it was the real deal and apparently, it's tearing up the charts.

I do not understand America.

So, getting back to tonight, I scowled when I heard Robin Thicke's name and was dreading Blake's attempt at being a castrato. And then, out came this other uptempo song sung in a normal register and I was actually relieved. Which is not to say I liked it, mind you, but I was grateful for the fact that Blake didn't sing as if his balls were in a vice.

So, uh, good stuff, I guess?

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston (selected by Randy Jackson)
I tend to hate Whitney ballads but this shit was good. Although, it pains me to give even an ounce of credit to anything associated with Randy. I hate him. Maybe more than Maroon 5. But not nearly as much as I loathe Al Roker. Fuck you, Al!

Second Song: "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike and Tina Turner (selected by the producers)
That was hot. And the word "nutbush" makes me giggle. 'Cause I'm a juvenile tard like that.

Third Song: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee (selected by Melinda)
Oh goodie! Another repeat. And you know what that means! Less work for me!!

Predictions: Before tonight's episode, I thought for sure that Blake was easily on his way out but that fucker managed to get decent reviews after each performance. Stupid asswipe. However, I don't think it was enough to stop Melinda and Jordin from making it to the finals.

And it seems that you guys agree. At press time (hee hee, I still get a kick out of saying that), Blake has 63 percent of the going-home vote.

Didn't vote yet? Well, what are you waiting for? The poll will be open until 9:00 PM EST on Wednesday. Speak now or you can't bitch about the results. That's our job, remember?