The Top 2: The Belated, Half-Assed Recap

A pox upon us for a lack of a recap today. Those pesky day jobs of ours picked a fine time to get in the way of our Idol obsession. Oh, and there was also the small matter of me being out last night drinking my face off whilst playing Ms. Pac Man. If you haven't tried to gobble ghosts and power pellets while intoxicated, I suggest you do so immediately.

So I watched the show last night in the wee hours of the morning and I didn't really take notes because, well, I didn't feel like it. I'm tired, yo. This has been a long ass, boring season and it's really taking a toll on my motivation and creativity. Oh, and did I mention that I was rather drunk? A sure sign of my lack sobriety was the fact that I made toast at 1:00 am. You know I'm good and hammered when I start toasting shit late at night. I even set off my fire alarm because I had the toaster setting on too high. So, I not only had to eat blackened cinnamon raisin toast, I also managed to piss off my neighbors. Awesome.

So, now, on with what I can remember about the show...

What scary ass army is Randy Jackson a member of? That general's outfit?! What?!?!

Paula was doped up something fierce last night and as such, she's going out with a bang on this week's Insanity Index. Awww yeah.

Blake Lewis was mediocre at best. I fast forwarded his first performance ("You Give Love a Bad Name,") because I hated it during Bon Jovi week and there was no possible way I would hate it any less this week. Then, just when I thought he couldn't annoy me further, he busted out ANOTHER Maroon 5 song and it was dumb and boring and stupid and asinine. And then he was made to sing the songwriting competition song ("This Is My Now") and he sucked to high heaven and embarrassed himself but, miraculously, he got a pass from the judges simply because they said it wasn't the type of song Blake is used to singing. Well, tough shit. Hard work is not the type of work I'm used to doing but my bosses don't see that as a viable excuse for shoddiness. Bullshit. In the words of the immortal Tim Gunn, make it work, Blake.

Jordin Sparks attempted Christina Aguilera ("Fighter") in the first round and while it wasn't spectacular, she didn't make an ass of herself. She aced round two with a reprise of "A Broken Wing" from country week and made Blake look the marginally-talented one-note weenie that he is. Jordin finished up with a superior take on the otherwise dreadful "This Is My Now" and further proved that she's got the goods to win the whole kit and kaboodle.

Ew, I can't believe I just wrote "kit and kaboodle." I told you I was fed up.

Predictions:
Take a bow, Jordin. Sit and spin, Blake.