The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 11... Now with More Sanjaya!

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Paula actually had her shit together this week. Her behavior is becoming as predictable and boring as American Idol itself. I blame the contestants, both for boring the shit out of us and keeping Paula sharp. She has no one to root for this season. Last year, Elliott's manky teeth captured Paula's heart and she championed the little troll all the way into the final three, blubbering and bawling the whole way. LaKisha has a somewhat busted grill but she's not nearly as lovable as Elliott. Melinda has no neck but then again, that's not really all that endearing a malady. It would appear that we're screwed.

Since Paula's instability has taken a backseat to Sanjaya's unlikely popularity this season, we've decided to track his performance each with a Level o' Suck (depicted in green above). Actually, we took the liberty of slapping him with a 10 for the remainder of the season because, let's face it, he's not exactly going to improve. While his hairdos may change from week to week, his shitty brand of whispery suck remains consistently awful.

But there's still a small shred of hope for Paula. Maybe she'll lose her shit because of Sanjaya's staying power. Or maybe LaKisha's boring and predictable song choices will make her fly off the handle. Or perhaps Blake will spray it, not say it during one of his beatbox routines and some saliva will land in her big red Coke cup and will send her into a rage unlike anything we've ever seen before. Hell, if someone cut my vodka with spit, I'd start kicking people in the teeth right quick.

Fingers crossed that Paula is similarly prone to gross overreactions!