Top 11: The Recap

Because I'm a dedicated servant to American Midol, I've decided to adopt some hard and fast recapping rules going forward. I'm really going to hold myself to them in the hopes of bringing you all a thorough yet entertaining episode recap each week. Are you ready? I hereby promise to down a bottle of white... or red -- all depends upon my appetite -- while watching the performance show. It's the least I can do to uphold the quality and sanctity of this blog. Wouldn't you agree? Thank you in advance for enabling me.

On with the show...

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Tell Him" by Billie Davis
Haley set out to "be more aggressive and not so sweet." Mission accomplished... although not exactly with her song styling. Or as Simon put it, "People are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Word, Simon. Did you get a load of the gams on that girl?

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers
I didn't love this nearly as much as the judges did. They cited it as Chris's best performance to date. Perhaps I'm too busy focusing on how cute he is to accurately gauge the vocal quality but really, I wasn't all that impressed.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield
I really really wanted her to do well with this. I feel like Stephanie is talented but she's been cast aside and as such, is struggling with her confidence and her identity. Even though she looks, I don't know, 40, the chick is only 19. I think a lot of people forget that. I want her to hit her stride and have her moment. Alas, I think she's in the bottom three this week.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Time of the Season" by The Zombies
It didn't suck. That's about all the praise I can muster for Blake. He's a douche -- it's obvious -- so he'll get no further accolades from me.

Also, Blake picked a perfectly-crafted song and merely mimicked it, save for the occasional bit of his tired beatboxing. Yeah, he's confident and has swagger but I prefer Melinda's combination of skill and humility, thank you. It's official: Blake can suck it.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "Diamonds Are Forever" by Shirley Bassey
Okay, so LaKisha was decked out in a diamonds worth $1 million. I understand that tie-in. What I don't understand was the kelly green dress. Was that supposed to represent the color of money? Was she giving a shout out to all the bank tellers at her former job? If so, money is more of pine green color, no? Or, perhaps a nice shade of hunter? God, I'm beginning to sound like a J. Crew catalog. Moving on...

Phil Stacey
Performed: "Tobacco Road" by The Nashville Teens
Again, Phil's vocals failed to impress me. Instead, I focused on one thing and one thing only: "What was that crap all over his shirt?" Was he sweating? Did he roll around in Vaseline before getting dressed? I have questions, Phil.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
That was AWESOME. I have nothing more to add, except that I yelled at the TV a bit when Jordin told Lulu that she didn't have a boyfriend. When Lulu replied, "You're going to have plenty now!" I took the opportunity to tack on, "And a hot lesbo girlfriend too!"

It could happen. Shut up.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks
I'll give Sanjaya this much... at least he tried to put a little oomph into it. Did it succeed? Well, no. But at least he tried. Once again, though, my attention was rather divided during Sanjaya's performance. Although this time there was no creepy hula dancing or flat-ironed hair to blame. It was Ashley, the crying child, who drove me to distraction:

Ah unrequited, self-destructive, dead-end love... Something tells me Ashley is destined to be the next Grace.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones
Well, that sucked. I won't say any more out of fear of hurting Jess's feelings. She loves her some Gina, see.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "She's Not There" by The Zombies
Similar to the other Chris's performance, I thought this blew chunks and was quite baffled by the praise he received from the judges. Although, Paula, god damn her, was totally right when she criticized Chris's social retardation when dealing with the audience. I can't handle this whole agreeing with Paula thing. I really can't. Fuck you, Chris. It's your fault.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "As Long As He Needs Me" from the musical, Oliver!
Once again, Melinda turned in a controlled, nuanced performance. Although, she did let fly with a rather generous spray of spit at one point which, in retrospect, was not very controlled at all. Whatever, it was gross but Melinda can still do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. She rules.

Speaking of waterworks, Melinda even inspired another crying fit in Ashley, the disturbed child. Behold:

That girl even got a curtain call during the end credits. Who's HER daddy?! I did notice this pissed-off little girl observing Ashley's sobbing hug-fest with the Idol wannabes...

I can't quite tell by the expression on that girl's face if she's put off by Ashley's display of emotion or if she's thinking, "Who's a big sign-toting girl gotta hump to get some face time with some Idols around here?" I'm guessing it's the latter.

Predictions: Phil, Stephanie... and dare I say it? Sanjaya are in the Bottom 3 but it's Stephanie who is going home this week. Also, I think Ashley will be heavily medicated very very soon.