Thursday News Brief

No real shocker during the results show... um, except Diana Ross's horrifying performance. In the immortal words of EMF, what the fuck waaaaaaaaaaaaaas that?! I was not expecting her to suck ass so bad. Wow. Just wow. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that.

Today's a light news day, which suits me and my jacked up sinuses just fine. Here ya go:

Simon Cowell's to Blame for Paula Abdul's On-Air Erratic Ways
In a slightly modified version of the Folgers Challenge, Simon secretly replaced Paula's "legally prescribed medication" with crystal meth and it's been all downhill from there. Such a prankster, that Simon. (People)

Flow It, Show It, Long as God Can Grow It... Sanjaya's Hair
I really don't know what to say about this. The pictures speak for themselves. But is it just me, or does Sanjaya look like Jo Anne Worley in that middle image?

Um, I just thought of something: Am I the only 33-year-old who even knows who Jo Anne Worley is? I scare me. (TMZ)

Simon's Is Bigger Than Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce's
Oooh, Simon took a swipe at Bruce Springsteen! Oh snap! Actually, on second thought, who cares? Like, I know I'm from New Jersey and I'm supposed to be steeped in the legend and mystique that is Springsteen and stuff, but, well... I'm not. While I have the floor, I've also never set foot in Camaro nor have I ever teased my hair or pluralized the word "ziti." Wait, what was my point? Oh right, Simon's been bragging that in terms of record deals, he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen. Really, Simon? Bruce is the comparative you're going with? Sorry, I didn't realize that the recent clock change sent us back to 1984... (AP)