Result Show: The Recap

First of all, I don't want to hear the song "Stuck in the Middle With You" unless I'm watching someone's ear get cut off. I certainly don't want to listen to Haley Scarnato warble through it. Apparently, someone forgot to turn Sanjaya Malakar's mic on and dammit, Sundance actually sounds good. What the hell is going on?

Phil Stacey is safe! His wife claps and smiles prettily but deep down in the ugly parts of her brain I bet she's thinking, "You BEST be fucking safe after missing the birth of our child for this!"

Jared Cotter is going home. I rule! He pulls the Chris Daughtry douche move and acts surprised, then angry, then actually verbalizes how surprised he is. Cocky much? Antonella Barba is inexplicably crying at this news. The camera is avoiding Sundance, who is crying like a damn fool I'm sure.

Brandon Rogers and Melina Doolittle are brought out, the two backup singers. Is there room for two backup singers in this competition? Why yes, there is. I was wrong about Brandon, and I'm glad.

Carrie Underwood hits the stage. Seriously, how can you not like Carrie Underwood? She's adorable, she seems sweet, and she can sing like nobody's business. She almost makes me enjoy country. And Jesus.

Antonella is going home. For once, I am proud of America. Well, the part of America that isn't my Little Brother, anyway. I was wrong about Stephanie Edwards, and once again, I am glad.

[Side note: LB just sent me an IM about his darling Antonella. What a sad day. Like remembering where you were when The Challenger exploded.]

Sabrina Sloan and Haley Scarnato take the stage. They are both crying. I have a very, very bad feeling. My feeling is confirmed as they announce that Sabrina's journey ends. Suddenly, I hate America again. Sundance wipes big man tears out of his eyes.

Thursday announcement: Idol wants to give back. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest took a trip to Africa. They hung out with children living under horrible conditions. I can't even snark on this, because this obviously had a profound effect on both of them, and they were adorable with the kids, particularly Simon. Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul are heading to New Orleans next to help victims of Katrina. This is very cool, y'all. Anyway, there are going to be two television "events" to support the cause. Here are the DEETS (Mejack loves it when I say DEETS):

April 24th and 25th: Tuesday's show will be an inspirational songs theme. The top six remaining contestants will sing, and for every vote the American public casts, Coca Cola, AT&T and "others" will donate money. Ford will also be contributing through a weekly video series. Viewers at home will be able to make their own contributions via an 800-number or online. Quincy Jones will be writing a song for the top six to perform, and special guests will include; Borat, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Josh Groban, Bono, Annie Lennox and Michael Buble.

Last up: Sanjaya Malakar and Sundance Head. I honestly don't care which one of them is going home. It’s Sundance! The judges are shocked, because in the reality they choose to live in, Sundance hasn't sucked since Hollywood. Also, when they told him he sucked week after week? Never happened. Sundance does unspeakable things to Pearl Jam, again, and that, my friends, begins the finals on American Idol.