The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 7

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 1.8 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Paula's low Level o' Crazy probably has less to do with her getting her shit together and more to do with the level o' suck of most of this year's crop of hopefuls. Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle have each made an impression so look to their performances in the weeks to come to spark tear-filled testimonials and spastic seal claps from Paula. She'll positively lose her shit if/when either of them land in the Bottom Three. Ditto for Brandon Rogers because he is this season's Designated Camera Fucker (DCM) and Paula seems contractually obligated to champion these types (i.e. Constantine Maroulis, Corey Clark and Justin Guarini).

Notes: This new-found clarity of Paula's is making for a pretty stagnant data line so to spice things up, we've added additional info: American Midol's Cranky Quotient (the red line). Each time Paula acts normal, our level of annoyance spikes. When she's a certified loon, we are in our giddy glory, as evidenced in the divergent lines above.

Also, we've decided to tweak the Paula Abdul Insanity Index graphic. When Paula's in the normal range (1-3), we'll show you a lucid, smiling Paula. As she enters the middle region (3-6), the graphic will change to depict her evolving state. When she's in the certifiable zone (7-10), we'll return to the sobbing Paula face which adequately displays her hysteria.

Until next time, think downward spiral!