Top 20: The Boys

Well, that was boring! I set out to write my usual pissy recap of the episode and well... I got nothing. With the exception of the enormous bulge in Jared Cotter's pants, nothing really stood out. And boy, did that stand out! Was he smuggling watermelons or something? While historically I have little to no interest in the male organ, I am impressed with Jared's package nonetheless. Too bad I can't say the same for his singing.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Ain't Missing You" by John Waite
Boooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Jared Cotter
Performed: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
I couldn't really concentrate on Jared's vocals between his ridiculous emoting and that enormous penis protruding through his pants. Despite its impressive stature, I don't think it's enough to save him. See ya, Jared.

AJ Tabaldo
Performed: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Love him. 'Nuff said.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Steppin' Out" by Tony Bennett
Oh, Sanjaya. Yet another rotten song choice, no doubt selected by sissy. And you pulled your hair back into a ponytail, an obvious rejection of my offer to brush it. Why do you have to break my heart like this?

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
Chris did really well. I have no beef with his performance or his banter with the judges this week. Although, I will say that with my dark plastic frames and head of curls, Chris offers a warning to me to keep my weight in check. I could easily look like his twin sister if I don't lay off the pasta. Methinks I'll have a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner today. Thanks for the inadvertent glimpse into the future, Chris!

Nick Pedro
Performed: "Fever" by Peggy Lee
I won't waste my time with a critique since he's going home.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai
Not too shabby. I really love his song choices. Maybe he can mentor Sanjaya.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper
God, that sucked. It was nothing more than a background vocal disguised as a lead. Oh, and I think I'm pregnant thanks to Brandon's continued camera fucking. Next week, I'm going to have a rape whistle on hand when I watch the program.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz
Sure, Chris's dance moves and up-tempo song selection were similar to last week but I.don't.care. He's still my favorite.

Sundance Head
Performed: "Mustang Sally" by Mack Rice
Despite his family's advice to be less "crappy," this week's performance failed to get Sundance out of the shitty zone. It proves that he's not only a singer of questionable talent, but also a miserable failure for a son.

Predictions: Bye, Nick Pedro! Pack your weiner and go, Jared.