Remember the San Antonio Recap

Is anyone else (besides you, Jess) as sick of the auditions as I am? Seriously, they seemed to drag on way longer this year. Last night's round in San Antonio was the last, thank God. However, tonight's episode is a montage of auditions good and bad from all seven cities Paula, Simon and Randy visited and ranked on. Dude, if they try to pad the season with another one of those roundups in mid-season, I'm going to start torching shit.

San Antonio, like the rest, failed to produce a real stand-out talent, in my humble opinion. I was briefly concerned that this year's crop of finalists would end up sucking balls but then I remembered that Elliott Yamin got NO camera time last year until Hollywood week. We never got to see his audition nor the back story of him and his manky teeth. But then he pleasantly surprised us several weeks into the competition (while his jacked-up grill continued to confound). My point, and I do have one, believe it or not, is that there may be some hidden showstoppers awaiting us, in addition to the usual band of ball suckers.

Speaking of suck, here's a rundown of a few of last night's performers:

Jasmine Holland
This was the shy girl who sang in a gospel choir and wore a shirt that read: "Peace Pure Love." Oddly enough, she was the same chick who unleashed a stream of profanity and had to be bleeped numerous times after she bitched out the judges. An interesting interpretation of peace and pure love, no? Shameful, the language on that Miss Holland. You kiss your preacher with that mouth, Jasmine?

The best part of that segment, however, had to be Jasmine's mother and her anti-Simon rant:

Jasmine's Mom: "What is he? French?

Ryan Seacrest: "Actually, he's British."

Jasmine's Mom: "Well then he needs to go back to British [sic] and be judge for British people. 'Cause he's not even American so how can he tell who sings and not sings?"

Because in the country of "British," people are deaf or immune to music? Music is silent outside of America? Americans have special ears? I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at, Jasmine's Mom. Are you a dumb ass or just a xenophobe? Or both? I can't quite tell. My people hail from "British" so maybe that's why I can't quite hear your message.

Haley Scarnato
This was the attractive chick wearing the all black, stylish one-piece who engaged in a weird hand-shaking session and fashion discussion with Paula before her audition leading me to exclaim, "Paula has a girl crush! Paula has a girl crush!"

While Haley's voice was just okay, Simon put her through to Hollywood because she was hot. Randy approved of her as well, I think. I can't say for sure because I stopped paying attention to him about... uh, since I started watching the show. Randy's insignifcant, dawg.

Paula quite eagerly punched Haley's ticket to Hollywood because, well, I think she really wants to punch Haley's ticket when they get to Hollywood, if ya catch my drift. (Psst... I just suggested that Paula Abdul possesses homosexual tendencies and is vulnerable to acting on such same-sex impulses in an effort to restore her fractured sense of self-worth and stabilize her erratic emotional state caused in part by low self-esteem coupled with severe chemical dependence. Or something.)

Ashlyn Carr
Uh, how fucked up do one's facial expressions have to be when even Paula Abdul refers to them as "weird"? That's about as insulting as Ted Kennedy giving you a lecture on the perils of drunk driving into or near bodies of water.

Weird ticks aside, Ashlyn made it to Hollywood. Whether she gets her ass kicked by her roommates remains to be seen.