The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram

It's here, boys and girls. We at American Midol have been hard at work and foaming at the mouths to present to you our latest mean-spirited endeavor. The wait is over! It's finally here! Without further ado and uncharacteristic use of exclamation points, I proudly present to you The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram!

Each week, your intrepid team of bitchy beavers will monitor Paula's behavior and then rate her level of sanity on a scale of one to ten, with one being normal (relatively speaking) and 10 being batshit crazy.

Because I know that fancy-schmancy Excel program, I'll be averaging and plotting Paula's scores on a chart each week for the rest of the season. Here's the results for Season Six, so far:

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I have to say that after her drunken pre-show publicity tour, Paula's kind of kept it together during the first few episodes. Again, relatively speaking. I expect lots of spikes on the season-long chart. In fact, here's a rendering of what the chart might look like by the finale:

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Please note that additional color-coded data lines may be added to track Paula's level of sobriety, blood alcohol content and any other histrionics she may throw our way. I fully expect to be adding an intricate legend to this chart by next week. Mark my words.