Hollywood is New Jersey with Celebrities

NYC Represent!!

First of all, the NYC auditions happened at Chelsea Piers -- which I CAN SEE FROM MY OFFICE WINDOW!!! How did I not know that this was happening?? I could have had an EXCLUSIVE of the auditions after I went and gawked at everyone and ran back to my PC at work and wrote a bit of a draft then leftit there for hours while I frantically IM'd Jess and Curly in ALL CAPITALS to emphasize (and probably exaggerate if not out and out lie about) what I just saw. Then I would have stayed late at work to finish my masterpiece of a post and it would probably have turned out to a run-on grammatical calamity as they all are (I am, after all an ACCOUNTANT) -- and then I would have gone home squawking about the injustices of working late. Or something. But I digress.

So NYC auditions. The extra judge -- Carol something or other. I seem to remember Ryan SeaQuest rambling on about her resume -- I think she wrote some songs and stuff and she knew Dionne Warwick or something but I was too transfixed by her Alexis Carrington hairdo to remember what he said.

The trouble with trying to recap the auditions is that there are so many people to talk about. I suppose I can't get through this without mentioning that MORON Ian Benardo who actually was on the local news following the show as well as on the cover of the fricken NY Post. There is NO WAY this guy was for real. The whole "Gloria" thing? Yeah, Pawl Bawldwin called and wants his accent back but Thanks For Playing! I did, however, find it uproariously funny when he demanded to see Simon's working visa and that he called Hollywood "New Jersey with celebrities." But again, NO WAY this is for real. Gawker has splendid coverage of it here.

Now, call me callous, but I wanted to smack of the girl who lied to her parents and went to NYC to audition and was sobbing about how she j-j-just wanted her d-d-daddy to be pr-pr-proud of her. Boo hoo. Of course she makes it to Hollywood and she calls her dad -- with SeaQuest in tow -- and everything is just GROOVY and the dad says -- on speakerphone -- how proud he is and then the girl hugs SeaQuest and all is right with the world again. Right. If I EVER did that -- if I made the show or not -- I would have never even got to Hollywood because my dad would have KICKED THE CRAP out of me and would have probably beat up SeaQuest too.

Aside from that, the rest of the show was a blur. I did enjoy the crazy bitch, Sarah Goldberg, who thought she was a perfect choice as the next American Idol because she COULD NOT sing. Outstanding. She went on this maniacal rant at how the judges were rude for being judgmental of her singing. As if they were judges in a singing competition. Oh wait.

There was also the equally outstanding Isadora "Don't Call Me Julie" crazy palm reader at the end who said she sounded like Janis. AND Led Zeppelin -- who she seemed to think was a Person. That Led Zeppelin guy. Right.

There's more. There was the balls out chick from Queens who likened herself to Rocky, the Jersey Shore twits (who reminded me way too much of my cousin Carmella) who were definitely judged by Simon's weiner, the drama mama Ashanti who had a nervous breakdown in front of millions of viewers, and the fucking excellent Rachel Zevits. I love that she sang a Jeff Buckley song. I loved how she appeared to be some lunatic cracked out tweaker but instead ended up being ENORMOUSLY talented. So far, she is my favorite. It's still early though.