Wouldn't You Like to be an 'Idol' Too?

Of course you would. Which is why you should get yourself to an audition, post-haste. Me, I'm too old to be an 'American Idol,' what with the fact that I'm pushing 80 and all, so I can't wow you with the voice once likened to a stoned 12-year-old boy. Don't cry for me, America, because I'm going to the Idols Live Tour this Sunday! Me, Bucky and a couple of Colt 45s -- who knows what will happen?

Get thee to an audition!

And now, some news:

Chris Daughtry signs with 19 Recordings/RCA Records. America says, "Duh." Fuel shakes their collective fist at the heavens. Special thanks to our PR whiz for the tidbit, which we actually got days ago, or rather I did, and was too lazy to post. (PR Newswire)

Kelly Clarkson denies reports that she's about to lose a spokesperson deal with Vitamin Water because she's a big fatty. In other news, Kelly Clarkson is not, in fact, a big fatty. She does, however, dress herself like a fruitcake. (Some random site plus the almighty Fug)

Grandpa Pickler has a heart attack. For once, Jess refrains from making joke, because Clyde Pickler is quite possibly the sweetest man alive. (AP)

Regrading next season, TMZ has the following:

Meanwhile, "Idol" executive producer Nigel Lythgoe says that he's already working on getting Carole King and (oh dear) Andrew Lloyd Webber to appear as mentors to the next group of Idol finalists.

Because apparently, everyone else they wanted to get is actually dead.