America's Got Talent? Really? Where?

Okay, so I finally got around to watching "America's Got Talent." Um, the show blows. Even though I promised you a weekly weigh-in, I don't know if I can provide snarky, informed commentary on such drivel. It was painful. It was quite possibly the most poorly-paced program I've ever had the misfortune to witness. "The Joy of Painting" looks positively frenetic in comparison.

Why, pray tell, do the judges have to voice their vote even after they've pressed their "Gong Show"-type buzzer? Doesn't that big red X (an audio and visual rip-off of the "Family Feud," if there ever was one. Sue the pants off them, Richard Dawson!) count as their "nay" vote? Why do we have to hear them blather on? It makes no sense and it just prolongs the torture. Stop it, producers of "America's Got Talent." Stop it right now.

I know Simon Cowell is one of the brains behind the program but the overlapping elements from "American Idol" are just too much. It's embarrassing. I mean, if you were going to rob from Peter to pay Paul, Simon, why didn't you at least lift some of the addictive entertainment value?!?!

Instead, we got the three judge format. First up, there's Piers, the snotty Brit; then there's Brandy, the washed-up, airheaded pop singer sandwiched between two penises. Brandy's dumber and duller than Paula. She actually makes me long for Paula. Bitch, you're making me long for Paula! What the fuck is wrong with you, Brandy?! I hate you.

And then, of course, there's David Hasselhoff, the complete retard with not an ounce of wit or irony. He's totally biting off Randy Jackson in this regard. Call your lawyer, Randy. He's stealing your act. And propensity for bad eyewear.

Speaking of The Hoff, what does this dude have against juggling? Boyfriend was downright hostile to all the jugglers. I don't love them myself but David was quite the douche about this particular talent. Um, I guess there's a joke about his balls in there somewhere but I'm too bored and disenchanted to go find it.

Oh and did you get a load of The Hoff's "dancing"? When the Rappin' Granny came on, he jumped up and flailed about emphasizing and punctuating his movements with an outward crotch thrust. It was rather menacing, if you ask me. I felt really violated. I might press charges, in fact.

I'm going to try to watch the show again. But I make no promises. That shit left me cranky. Well, crankier than usual.

Photo: Taken by moi. I snapped a picture of my TV while the show was on. Brandy looks demonic because of the blur but, well, I think it's appropriate and fair to portray her in such an unflattering and evil-looking light since she helped fritter away two valuable hours of my life. Fuck you, Brandy. You're the devil.