Round 'Em Up!

Once again, we bring you the latest 'Idol' headlines:

Hicks Ain't Taylor-Made to Be a Star
...Or so says Tom Alesia of the "Wisconsin State Journal" in a riotously funny piece. Not since "Laverne & Shirley" has something out of The Dairy State made me chuckle so.

And I quote: "America is about to crown Hicks -- who recalls those scary years when Bruce Willis and Jim Belushi sang in public -- as its musical pop-culture king."

God, what I wouldn't give for a Seagram's Golden Wine Cooler and some Wisconsin cheddar right about now.

It's Finger-Lickin', Finger-Lickin' Good, Y'all
Louisville's "Business First" reports that this year's numero two -- aka the next Clay Aiken-in-the-makin' -- will take home a $10,000 recording contract and the chance "to write and star in an upcoming commercial for the new KFC Famous Bowls."

Isn't it punishment enough that this person has to lose in front of millions of people? Lawdy, it ain't just the chickens KFC is torturing.

Here She Goes Loopedy-Loop
Kelly Clarkson hitched a ride with the soaring Blue Angels at an air show in Fort Worth. Word on the street (or, rather, up in the air) is that she executed a Texas-sized barf after her plane started doing all the fancy stunts.

Don't be ashamed, Kelly. Between you, me and the lamp post, I nearly spewed red, white and blue after a few spins on Disney World's Teacup ride. At least your story is bad ass. Be proud of your puke, sista frien'. As for me, I'll continue to sport my shame.

Nikki Wants to Slip Us Some Tongue...
... rings. Wait, what'd you think I meant? Anyhoo, dirty-minded ones, it seems that running her own karaoke business wasn't a dismal enough fate for Season One's Nikki McKibben. The colorfully-coiffed-third-place finisher is now hitting the road to hawk shitty jewelry along with her presumably equally-shitty new CD.

McKibben was recently heard giving her pitch on several radio stations in the Palm Springs vicinity. Since I live outside the listenting area -- and don't have the will or the energy to search the internet for a copy of the broadcast -- I can't tell you exactly what Nikki told her listeners. But here's what I'm guessing she didn't say: The earrings -- and the music -- are certain to make your ears turn green. Wanna bet?

King Takes a 'Desperate' Stand Against 'Idol'
Stephen King is about to go all Carrie White on the programming powers-that-be at ABC. Apparently, the Alphabet Network had the unmitigated gall to schedule "Desperation," King's latest small-screen adaptation, against FOX's Tuesday night behemoth.

Where does ABC get the nerve? I mean, it's not like King's previous efforts have a history of tanking in the ratings department or anything. Oh wait...

Photos: Taylor Hicks, FOX; Nikki McKibben, "Extra"